There’s a sadness that comes with an ending, any ending. Some we are prepared for and others we just have to face regardless of whether we are ready or not.
I think the ending of our friendship caught you unawares, I don’t think you believed that I would be able to let you go.
This was not an easy decision for me, in fact it was one that broke my heart. I didn’t want to lose you and I tried so hard to keep this friendship alive, despite everything that happened. There comes a point though where I think you instinctively know that there is nothing else you can try and you have to accept that you’ve reached the end of the road.
I forgave you for breaking my heart the first time. I’m smart enough to know that feelings cannot be conjured up out of thin air but I wonder if you really gave me, or us a chance. I think you had already made up your mind before we met and if that was the case perhaps it would have been better for you to walk away before we did.
After you had gone we still remained friends but I knew we were on borrowed time. I knew that when you found a girlfriend, knowing you loved someone else was going to hurt me. I was honest and told you this, but something kept drawing me to you, I didn’t want to let you go. I wanted this friendship.
When I found out you’d had a girlfriend for two months and that you had been lying to me that hurt, you knew my past and eveything I had been through before. Throughout our friendship the only thing I ever asked you for was trust and you betrayed that.
Every day since I found out I have relived moments of things you had told me, details of your life and where you had been that I now knew to be lies. Those small lies cut like a knife everytime realisation came crashing in, but still I forgave you. I forgave you because I loved you and you meant something to me, our friendship meant something to me, I wanted to salvage it.
You would tell me repeatedly that your girlfriend was ok with us being friends. It was easier for her, she knew about me for two months before I accidently found out about her and your lies. I find myself questioning her honesty, because if she was so ok with how things were why did she feel the need to ingrain herself into every aspect of your life and the time you spent with me. Perhaps on hindsight I was more accepting of the situation than she was.
Slowly but surely as the days passed I lost more and more of the time we spent together. I watched it all slip away, powerless to stop it from happening. I tried to adjust, I tried so hard, but I missed us, I missed our friendship. Even though you were still there it felt like I had already lost you and it also felt like you did not care.
I’d wait for you, conscious I only had the nights now that you chose. Someone sent me a quote once , it said something like ‘Some talk to you in their free time and others free their time to talk to you. Know the difference.’ I was learning the difference. It was a steep learning curve as I watched you give up on our nights or keep me waiting. Sometimes you turned up and sometimes you didn’t. You expected me to accept this. You expected that I would always be there and because I loved you, my friend, I always was. But it took its toll on me and as I watched you do what made you happy, all it brought me was sadness.
It became too hard, I’d be nervous on the nights I knew I was going to speak to you. Nervous about the fact you wouldn’t turn up but equally nervous about what would happen if you did. I constantly sought reassurance that I never really received. You need to be better at telling people your feelings, don’t just assume people will know, because they won’t, but deep down you know this.
I’d like to say this last 11 or so months have meant something to you, that I meant something to you, but you’ve told me so many lies I no longer know which of your words to believe.
You must think that I need a lot of attention, I don’t, I simply needed you to treat me like a friend you actually care about. Would you leave them sitting around for hours and not let them know, I doubt it. I wish you could feel just an ounce of the pain you have caused me.
If you ever do think about me, I hope someday you realise that I tried, but I got tired fighting for a friendship that was one sided. I got tired of being knocked down only to pick myself up and prepare for the next time. I got tired of being the kind of person that would allow that to happen.
I will always love you and I will always be there for you if you need me, but right now I can’t be around you, because I don’t like the person you have become. The kind, caring, funny man I fell in love with seems to have gone. I miss him.
I doubt you will ever contact me, but I knew this when I made my decision, I knew I had to be sure. I’m not, and I have no doubt that some days will be harder than others and I’ll always yearn for that one last chance to feel your arms around me.
I’m sure that I have not shed my last tears over you either.
Remember I loved you, more than you know, but I had to end this, because I need to start to learn to love and care about myself too.