It’s been a difficult summer, I’m glad it’s almost over. There have been no new memories made, just the old ones haunting me.
Lately I’ve been thinking about my person and it bothers me because I can’t seem to let it go. I can’t seem to forget him, the fact that he lied and then left cuts deep.
There’s something to be said for closure and looking back I wish I had fought for some. Realistically though I know the chance of ever getting the truth was slim, due in part to his not wanting to be seen as the bad guy and probably a little of not wanting to hurt me anymore as well.
These days I look back objectively and I can see that the frienship was not as perfect as I thought, in fact it was more one sided than I thought. At the time had I not fallen in love I would have been able to see that but as is usual for me, I changed to become the person I thought he needed, I didn’t change myself exactly, hell that’s been a work in progress for years and has not happened yet, but I did change my ways.
But still despite eveything, the lies and his replacement of my friendship, I miss him. I know things could never be the same, it could never go back to how it was, because I now know I meant nothing to him, I was just someone to pass the time with until someone better came along.
My friend T and I are in similar situations, and when we talk I am conscious of how much we blame ourselves for all the failures we have experienced with the opposite sex, but that’s just us, it’s what our wonky top boxes would have us believe.
What if it is not us though, what if it is others, that’s a possibility we have never even considered. We are the type of people who want to see the best in everyone, we want to believe that there is light in the dark, but it would appear that sometimes we are wrong.
When the light is turned out, we are left in the dark and we swear we will never flip the switch again, but still we do.