Those gut feelings…

Do you ever hope you are wrong about someone, that the gut feeling that you have that something is not right, is just that, a gut feeling that is never going to change into anything else. I have that hope, a lot.

I usually never voice my fears because it is hard to know if they are true or sometimes driven by jealously or hurt. I feel things more deeply than I would like and find it hard to let go, thanks over analysing brain! So like my ex friend for example, I can’t voice my concerns to him because he is just going to think I’m bitter, I am a little, he walked away from someone he allegedly cared about, but that aside I still have reservations about his other half and her intentions towards our friendship, but hey, it’s not my problem any more.

The public face is another one. I wear a mask most of the time, but still I speak my truth if anyone asks me, and often times the mask slips because I cannot lie or be someone I am not. The public face is a persona people portray but it is only as time goes on that you start to see the real person underneath, not necessarily because they want you to, but because they are unable to keep up the facade.

I am not perfect and never would I profess to be. Life’s difficult and along the way it leaves a wake of casualties, whether they be showing as scars on my heart or those of others.

Anxieties aside I get things wrong, but instead of realising I am human I berate myself with the would ave, should ave, could aves. I wonder sometimes if my past mistakes lead directly into my future, cosmic karma dealing it’s own particular brand of justice for my many misdemeanours.

When will I realise that I am enough. When will I realise that it is OK to be wrong about someone without it directly being my fault. When will I realise that I do not need to make apologies for being me.

On this occasion I hope I am wrong about myself and that there is still time for change.

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