The need to find space

I’m socially awkward, but allegedly the life and soul of the party when I am comfortable. This is not something I choose, it is something that crept up on me. It is something that happened and it is something I do not know how to fix.

Sometimes I feel lonely, because despite the fact I am always there for other people, oftentimes when I need someone there is no one there for me. Other times I need people to just step away and let me be myself without the need for explanation. Sometimes I crave the loneliness.

I am sick and tired of having to try and explain myself and my anxieties to people over and over again, I shouldn’t have to. I need people to actually hear what I am saying and love me regardless of what they feel are my quirks and faults. I am acutely aware of them, and while I might not always be jumping for joy about their existence, they are a part of me, they are some of the small pieces that form the bigger picture.

I hate people who tell me to do things when I am anxious ‘to take my mind of it’, yeah cos I haven’t tried that a thousand fucking times before, an anxious brain cannot always be quietened, in fact it can be so noisy that it shuts out eveything else. You just have to brace yourself, hang on, attempt the coping skills you can actually remember and weather the storm.

Anxiety is not something you can just get over or shake yourself out of, it takes hard work, a rewiring of your brain and it is extremely tiring, don’t you think many of us haven’t wished we could wake up one morning and it would just be gone. I know I have.

I’m trying, its not like I do nothing. I know my thoughts can be irrational, of course I do, I know that sometimes my worries are unfounded, and on a daily basis I counter them as best as I can. I am a work in progress and it is ongoing. I do not need to be pushed and cajoled into doing things to ‘take my mind of it’, I need people to leave me the fuck alone so my brain can have some quiet, I have enough on my mind without adding guilt to the mix as well.

I have social anxiety and I’m beginning to wonder sometimes if it is by choice.

2 thoughts on “The need to find space

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