I’ve been thinking…..

That’s quite dangerous, me thinking, it usually leads to trouble or me making more work for myself. I’ve been thinking that I want to keep a diary…the chronicles of my wonky top box. I’ve been thinking this for a while in fact, but I never seem to lift a pen and put it to paper despite having a millions journals in which I could write.

I want to be able to remember, everything, even the small seemingly unimportant details, the problem is I only ever seem to write when my mind is troubled, so the chances of me setting my backside onto a seat to journal every day is pretty slim. I could be given 10 outta 10 for good intentions though right?

If I was journalling to remember this month, I would tell you that my best friend is pregnant. I’m the only one of the friends who knows right now and I am over the moon for her, it’s been a long time coming. That said it’s also causing me anxiety because I know she is going to have expectations of me that I am not going to be able to fulfil. I would never have said I was particularly maternal, the romantic notion of having children wore off as I got older and anxiety took its grip on me. I think both myself and my disillusioned romantic inner child realised that I was having a hard enough time looking after myself so to add a younger version into the mix would have thrown me completely over the edge.

Then there is the babysitting. To someone with anxiety (well me anyway) this is a big thing. These people have spent so long wanting this child and it was not an easy road for them, so the thought that they might want me to look after it has me freaking the fuck out….I mean what if something happens on my watch, how would I ever live with myself. Now I know this is not rational thinking, but that’s my brain for you…welcome to my world….it’s hell sometimes! The problem is I need my friend to actually listen to me and not just tell me I will be doing something when I say I do not want to.

The other thing I would tell you is that one of my former work colleagues is really ill, as in it was touch and go for a while. Even though we have not had contact for a while, once I heard the news I could not get her out of my mind. I’ve always been the kind of person who takes people at face value, sure everyone will offer you their opinions of someone, but I like to take time to form my own. That was the case with this work colleague as before we met people had plenty of things to say and advice to give, so much so that I was actually starting to get a little nervous. But do you know what, we got along just fine and I had some really fun times while working with her. I really hope she pulls through.

I’d also tell you that I have been thinking a lot about my person lately and also failed friendships. I still struggle with how easily someone can walk away from a person they had previously said meant so much to them. I was talking to my friend T the other day and we were discussing my low self confidence and I said I thought some of it stemmed from failed friendships. How can I have trust or believe that I meant something to someone when they can just turn around and walk away from me like I never existed. Instead I am left with this legacy of asking people if they still want to be friends which almost has the effect of pushing them away.

Point to remember – when someone with low self confidence tells you they think they are bad at something or failing at something, they don’t want to you rhyme off the reasons they are not, they don’t do it to seek praise, they do it because that is actually how they feel regardless of whether it is true or not. Nine out of ten people with self confidence will not know how to deal with any compliments you pay them, because even if you said it one thousand times a day they would not believe it.

Anyway I have rambled on enough for today, it’s time for a shower, I’ve been cleaning and I stink!

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