Over thinking


There is a lot of stuff in between where I was and where I currently am. Lots of  tears and laughter, happiness and heartache. Ultimately, I feel everything is going to end in heartache. 

I battle with self confidence. I have none. I never see a positive outcome in things and often believe my friends are my friends because they either feel some kind of weird loyalty, or sorry for me. 

When I met my person he started to make me believe that perhaps I was someone worthy of being liked, maybe even loved. At the start I resisted, after all, there is no such thing as a happy ending, but between his voice in my head and that of my friends, I started to hope, dream, that for once something might work out. 

I should always listen to myself, always trust my gut instincts, because now, all I feel is lost. 

Once again I wasn’t good enough, I’m ‘best friend’ material and nothing more. How many times over my lifetime am I going to hear that. People keep telling me that I just need to be myself and I am, but it is never going to be enough. 

I had started to like myself, just a little. I was able to look at myself in a mirror and not turn away. But as things started to change, so did I and I realised that I only liked myself because someone else did and when that was taken away, I was no longer able to face myself.

My friends tell me I need to just let things happen, see where this thing goes, but as is usual for me I over think everything. Does he want to be friends, does he even like me, why does he like me and so it goes, on and on. 

Usually I am so clear about my feelings, but in this case I am not. I am scared of losing him, but I don’t know if that is just the friendship or something more. I know I have feelings for him, but I don’t know how strong. I’m worried he will meet someone else and that will be my undoing.

Why can I not be one of those people who can just take life as it comes.  

Why for once could something just not work out. 


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