Do the things that happen in our lifetimes shape us for our futures. Do we adequately learn from our mistakes and endeavour to never repeat them, or do we set patterns that we continually fall into.
I think I am a mixture of both. I am painfully aware of all the mistakes I have made and the time I have wasted throughout my life because of them. I would not say that I regret any, nor am I sure that I have learnt any valuable life lessons, perhaps they are still waiting to be discovered.
I love too easily, I know this. But at the same time I am cautious, once bitten twice shy and all that.
I’ve been chatting to my person for three months now. In real life I am socially inept, shy with people I do not know and slow to interact, but allegedly the centre of the party when I am comfortable. I finally sent him a second photo, but as soon as I hit the send button I started to cry. My dislike of myself was so great. My past came back to haunt me, memories of when I had once before shared myself with someone only to be rejected. That feeling of never being good enough or the ‘best friend’ that guys wished they had dated when it didn’t work out with my cooler prettier friends.
People berate me for having low self esteem, but when you are in the situation of being your own and only cheerleader and you dislike yourself, where does that leave you.
The realisation that you will never be able to love anyone until you can learn to love yourself is a sad one.
My person did not run, or leave….yet, but there are now other hills to climb and creases to iron. For now, it remains worth the effort, hopefully for us both.