There are Fridays and then there was last Friday. It wasn’t a good day.
At the end of my work day I stood on the train platform and thought about throwing myself in front of the train. It was just a fleeting thought and it’s doubtful that the logical side of my brain would have let me take that step forward, but it was there none the less. The first one for a long time.
I wanted to write about it, because I needed to capture the feeling and remember it. It’s important that I acknowledge it’s existence, because it may not be the last.
Nothing bad happened, nothing life changing happened, the thought was borne of different emotions crashing inside my wonky top box. PMT meets crushing self confidence and all reason goes out the window.
I need to remind myself that I may feel like this, but that it will pass, and also that there is a reason. My hormones are clearly haywire, on one day of the month more than others. The crushing self confidence, well it remains and probably always will.
Remember your feelings and own them, because on one day you may step forward, but the next one you may step back. In the third you can carry on living.