Things happen

Do the things that happen in our lifetimes shape us for our futures. Do we adequately learn from our mistakes and endeavour to never repeat them, or do we set patterns that we continually fall into.

I think I am a mixture of both. I am painfully aware of all the mistakes I have made and the time I have wasted throughout my life because of them. I would not say that I regret any, nor am I sure that I have learnt any valuable life lessons, perhaps they are still waiting to be discovered.

I love too easily, I know this. But at the same time I am cautious, once bitten twice shy and all that.

I’ve been chatting to my person for three months now. In real life I am socially inept, shy with people I do not know and slow to interact, but allegedly the centre of the party when I am comfortable. I finally sent him a second photo, but as soon as I hit the send button I started to cry. My dislike of myself was so great. My past came back to haunt me, memories of when I had once before shared myself with someone only to be rejected. That feeling of never being good enough or the ‘best friend’ that guys wished they had dated when it didn’t work out with my cooler prettier friends.

People berate me for having low self esteem, but when you are in the situation of being your own and only cheerleader and you dislike yourself, where does that leave you.

The realisation that you will never be able to love anyone until you can learn to love yourself is a sad one.

My person did not run, or leave….yet, but there are now other hills to climb and creases to iron. For now, it remains worth the effort, hopefully for us both.

Bad days do pass

There are Fridays and then there was last Friday. It wasn’t a good day. 

At the end of my work day I stood on the train platform and thought about throwing myself in front of the train. It was just a fleeting thought and it’s doubtful that the logical side of my brain would have let me take that step forward, but it was there none the less. The first one for a long time.

I wanted to write about it,  because I needed to capture the feeling and remember it. It’s important that I acknowledge it’s existence, because it may not be the last. 

Nothing bad happened, nothing life changing happened, the thought was borne of different emotions crashing inside my wonky top box. PMT meets crushing self confidence and all reason goes out the window. 

I need to remind myself that I may feel like this, but that it will pass, and also that there is a reason. My hormones are clearly haywire, on one day of the month more than others. The crushing self confidence, well it remains and probably always will. 

Remember your feelings and own them, because on one day you may step forward, but the next one you may step back. In the third you can carry on living. 

Is it fate? 

Do you believe in fate, or more specifically that we meet people for a reason. I do, but oftentimes I am left wondering what the reason could be.

In reality there is no written rule that says all interactions must be good, but fate can be cruel sometimes, why would it intentionally pit us against someone who is going to cause nothing but harm.

I’ve been chatting with someone and he makes me feel. I can see no logical reason for why we would have happened across each other. We live very different lives and in fact in different countries but somehow fate brought us together, because we just happened to be in the same place at the same time.

He’s my person. Even though we’re just friends, right now he’s the one I want to give my time to. He makes me smile but he also makes me realise I am lonely. I needed a person. I need a person.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love anyone, because no matter how hard I try I cannot love myself. If they loved me more than  life itself I probably wouldn’t believe it. I’d push them away with my insecurities.

I want to change. I want to believe that I am capable of being loved, even as  a friend, because I don’t want to lose my person. He’s pretty amazing!

I wonder if this is what being temporarily happy feels like.

Wonky Work

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I seem to always be thinking or lamenting about work these days, but as far as my life goes it is by and far the biggest stressor.

I’m not in any way shape or form scared of hard work, in fact I would say I prefer it. A little pressure is a good motivator, keeping me moving forward and focussed. Too much though and I start to shut down.

My work colleague is currently on sick leave. She’s a new addition to the team having transferred from another department. She’s off with stress, mainly because she cannot handle the pressure that comes with the job. That’s no reflection on her as such, it is a busy post and we are expected to do the work of a grade above without question. There are however aspects of the role she does not like, which makes me ask myself why she accepted the transfer in the first place.

My bosses are understanding of the situation, she is after all a nice girl and everyone likes her, but the whole thing is now starting to have a negative effect on my mental well-being.

We do a lot of work for what our bosses would call ‘good will’, as in it is not expected of us, but because we like them, we go over and above. For the best part of a year now you could say I have been on my own. There was the period of time between my previous colleagues promotion, the new girl starting, the training process and then the bedding in period. My new colleague was, up until she went on sick leave performing perhaps 20% of the role, which left me to carry the other 80% on my own. I knew there were going to be problems starting out and I was prepared to do what was necessary to ensure a decent amount of time could be spent training and easing her into the role. Now some months later she is off with stress, with my bosses blessing, to try and address her issues and I am left expected to carry out 100% of the role again.

I don’t understand how in a workplace it can be one rule for some and another for others, and I am sure this is happening in many many places throughout both the private and public sector.

I used to judge myself by the standards of others, constantly berating myself when I felt I did not match up. My counselling did help to address those issues somewhat and I became better at getting my metaphorical ducks in a row and realising that I was fine just as I was.

Looking back, I cared for someone with a mental illness and also held down a stressful job, never missing days, even now I would have to agree that I am stronger than I initially thought.

But at what cost. You see, I have now become the person who is just expected to do. Even on the days when I muster the courage to speak my mind and voice my concerns regarding both the volume of work and the pressure it places me under I feel it is dismissed as my anxieties. I am told not to work late nights and weekends, but yet I am given and expected to complete new tasks daily, so unless I become a magician and somehow manage to split myself in two, I am never going to be able to complete anything without doing additional hours.

My good grace is running out.

Feeling blue..

If you get tired

I feel a little bit overwhelmed and under appreciated today.  I’m feeling blue.

The realistic side of my brain knows this is not actually the case, because for the most part I know that my bosses are pleased with my work, and perhaps that is part of the problem, they are so pleased they want me to do everything.

If you asked me to describe myself I would say I was conscientious, probably bordering on excessively orderly where my work is concerned. I’m loyal and I am definitely 100% a geek. I’ve been told I’m a do-er and this is one of the reasons why people walk past others and come straight to me.

I like being needed and helpful, I always seem to thrive better when I have a task. But now the weight of other peoples expectations is starting to drag me down.

Is it ok to just stand up and say that enough is enough, I infer it, but I can never seem to find my words. I know they hear me when I talk, but do they actually listen, because it never seems to sink in.

I feel like screaming sometimes, or crying, but at my age hiding under the desk should not even be considered.

I had counselling to sort this, they referred me, so why is it they often times ignore the signs that are so blatantly obvious.

I’m resilient but I am worried that one of these days I am going to crack under the pressure.

Keep Smiling

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Even though I don’t always feel like it, I try to smile at as many people as I can throughout the course of my day.

Earlier today I smiled at a young boy on the train and the one he returned melted my heart. It’s such a simple thing to do and better still, it costs nothing.

This is not my idea, I remember being told once that interactions, no matter how big or small can oftentimes have an impact on the lives of others. If you were going to make an impression on someone would you not prefer it be a good one.

People’s outward appearance does not always give an indication to the feelings within. I’m conscious that some could look at me and think what’s that idiot grinning about, but for others, when they perhaps don’t have much to smile about, it could be a much needed boost to their day, it might even change thier day.

Phyllis Diller (quote above) wasn’t far wrong when she said “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”

Hello…

It’s always good to start with a welcome, or at least a greeting of some sort.

I am probably just one of many new blogs you have seen appear since the celebrations heralded the start of the new year. It is not however my first, and it may not be my last, we shall just have to wait and see.

People write for all sorts of reasons. Some make money from it, others write to amuse or inspire and there are those who can effortlessly weave tales that literally transport us to other worlds.

Being rather boring and unexciting, I write because I find it therapeutic. Of course somewhere along the way I would also like to amuse or inspire, but first and foremost it’s about me trying to make my top box a little less wonky.

There’s been a lot to process lately. You know how it is, one things leads to another and then everything spirals and before you know it you’re unable to keep up. I seem to have bounced from one thing to the next, without there being enough time in between to make sense of everything.

I’m doing ok though, I’m keeping on keeping on. Putting one foot in front of the other walking to, away from and around things. Whatever it takes to get by. At the end of the day that’s all we can do sometimes.

…welcome to my Wonky Top Box.