Over thinking

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There is a lot of stuff in between where I was and where I currently am. Lots of  tears and laughter, happiness and heartache. Ultimately, I feel everything is going to end in heartache. 

I battle with self confidence. I have none. I never see a positive outcome in things and often believe my friends are my friends because they either feel some kind of weird loyalty, or sorry for me. 

When I met my person he started to make me believe that perhaps I was someone worthy of being liked, maybe even loved. At the start I resisted, after all, there is no such thing as a happy ending, but between his voice in my head and that of my friends, I started to hope, dream, that for once something might work out. 

I should always listen to myself, always trust my gut instincts, because now, all I feel is lost. 

Once again I wasn’t good enough, I’m ‘best friend’ material and nothing more. How many times over my lifetime am I going to hear that. People keep telling me that I just need to be myself and I am, but it is never going to be enough. 

I had started to like myself, just a little. I was able to look at myself in a mirror and not turn away. But as things started to change, so did I and I realised that I only liked myself because someone else did and when that was taken away, I was no longer able to face myself.

My friends tell me I need to just let things happen, see where this thing goes, but as is usual for me I over think everything. Does he want to be friends, does he even like me, why does he like me and so it goes, on and on. 

Usually I am so clear about my feelings, but in this case I am not. I am scared of losing him, but I don’t know if that is just the friendship or something more. I know I have feelings for him, but I don’t know how strong. I’m worried he will meet someone else and that will be my undoing.

Why can I not be one of those people who can just take life as it comes.  

Why for once could something just not work out. 

 

As it is

It’s been a long time since I have written, I was shocked myself to see that I had not posted anything since April.

I am a little annoyed with myself because so much has happened and I’ve missed out on recording all those emotions, thoughts and feelings, things that in time I will wish I had.

It’s been a rollercoaster and in some respects still is. I’m finding it hard to figure out how I feel about my current situation or how I deal with it. As usual I am overthinking and over analyzing everything instead of doing what I should, which is let life unfold in front of me.

My heart hurts. I’m trying to apply common sense and virtual plasters but it is still broken, albeit not fatally so.

I asked before in a previous post if you believed in fate. I wanted to, I really did. I wanted to believe that all these things that were happening and the way they were happening were meant to be and that maybe for once I was going to grab a little piece of this happiness thing that seems to work so well for others. I was wrong.

I usually am…..

…and now my heart hurts.

Things happen

Do the things that happen in our lifetimes shape us for our futures. Do we adequately learn from our mistakes and endeavour to never repeat them, or do we set patterns that we continually fall into.

I think I am a mixture of both. I am painfully aware of all the mistakes I have made and the time I have wasted throughout my life because of them. I would not say that I regret any, nor am I sure that I have learnt any valuable life lessons, perhaps they are still waiting to be discovered.

I love too easily, I know this. But at the same time I am cautious, once bitten twice shy and all that.

I’ve been chatting to my person for three months now. In real life I am socially inept, shy with people I do not know and slow to interact, but allegedly the centre of the party when I am comfortable. I finally sent him a second photo, but as soon as I hit the send button I started to cry. My dislike of myself was so great. My past came back to haunt me, memories of when I had once before shared myself with someone only to be rejected. That feeling of never being good enough or the ‘best friend’ that guys wished they had dated when it didn’t work out with my cooler prettier friends.

People berate me for having low self esteem, but when you are in the situation of being your own and only cheerleader and you dislike yourself, where does that leave you.

The realisation that you will never be able to love anyone until you can learn to love yourself is a sad one.

My person did not run, or leave….yet, but there are now other hills to climb and creases to iron. For now, it remains worth the effort, hopefully for us both.

Bad days do pass

There are Fridays and then there was last Friday. It wasn’t a good day. 

At the end of my work day I stood on the train platform and thought about throwing myself in front of the train. It was just a fleeting thought and it’s doubtful that the logical side of my brain would have let me take that step forward, but it was there none the less. The first one for a long time.

I wanted to write about it,  because I needed to capture the feeling and remember it. It’s important that I acknowledge it’s existence, because it may not be the last. 

Nothing bad happened, nothing life changing happened, the thought was borne of different emotions crashing inside my wonky top box. PMT meets crushing self confidence and all reason goes out the window. 

I need to remind myself that I may feel like this, but that it will pass, and also that there is a reason. My hormones are clearly haywire, on one day of the month more than others. The crushing self confidence, well it remains and probably always will. 

Remember your feelings and own them, because on one day you may step forward, but the next one you may step back. In the third you can carry on living. 

Is it fate? 

Do you believe in fate, or more specifically that we meet people for a reason. I do, but oftentimes I am left wondering what the reason could be.

In reality there is no written rule that says all interactions must be good, but fate can be cruel sometimes, why would it intentionally pit us against someone who is going to cause nothing but harm.

I’ve been chatting with someone and he makes me feel. I can see no logical reason for why we would have happened across each other. We live very different lives and in fact in different countries but somehow fate brought us together, because we just happened to be in the same place at the same time.

He’s my person. Even though we’re just friends, right now he’s the one I want to give my time to. He makes me smile but he also makes me realise I am lonely. I needed a person. I need a person.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love anyone, because no matter how hard I try I cannot love myself. If they loved me more than  life itself I probably wouldn’t believe it. I’d push them away with my insecurities.

I want to change. I want to believe that I am capable of being loved, even as  a friend, because I don’t want to lose my person. He’s pretty amazing!

I wonder if this is what being temporarily happy feels like.

Wonky Work

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I seem to always be thinking or lamenting about work these days, but as far as my life goes it is by and far the biggest stressor.

I’m not in any way shape or form scared of hard work, in fact I would say I prefer it. A little pressure is a good motivator, keeping me moving forward and focussed. Too much though and I start to shut down.

My work colleague is currently on sick leave. She’s a new addition to the team having transferred from another department. She’s off with stress, mainly because she cannot handle the pressure that comes with the job. That’s no reflection on her as such, it is a busy post and we are expected to do the work of a grade above without question. There are however aspects of the role she does not like, which makes me ask myself why she accepted the transfer in the first place.

My bosses are understanding of the situation, she is after all a nice girl and everyone likes her, but the whole thing is now starting to have a negative effect on my mental well-being.

We do a lot of work for what our bosses would call ‘good will’, as in it is not expected of us, but because we like them, we go over and above. For the best part of a year now you could say I have been on my own. There was the period of time between my previous colleagues promotion, the new girl starting, the training process and then the bedding in period. My new colleague was, up until she went on sick leave performing perhaps 20% of the role, which left me to carry the other 80% on my own. I knew there were going to be problems starting out and I was prepared to do what was necessary to ensure a decent amount of time could be spent training and easing her into the role. Now some months later she is off with stress, with my bosses blessing, to try and address her issues and I am left expected to carry out 100% of the role again.

I don’t understand how in a workplace it can be one rule for some and another for others, and I am sure this is happening in many many places throughout both the private and public sector.

I used to judge myself by the standards of others, constantly berating myself when I felt I did not match up. My counselling did help to address those issues somewhat and I became better at getting my metaphorical ducks in a row and realising that I was fine just as I was.

Looking back, I cared for someone with a mental illness and also held down a stressful job, never missing days, even now I would have to agree that I am stronger than I initially thought.

But at what cost. You see, I have now become the person who is just expected to do. Even on the days when I muster the courage to speak my mind and voice my concerns regarding both the volume of work and the pressure it places me under I feel it is dismissed as my anxieties. I am told not to work late nights and weekends, but yet I am given and expected to complete new tasks daily, so unless I become a magician and somehow manage to split myself in two, I am never going to be able to complete anything without doing additional hours.

My good grace is running out.

Feeling blue..

If you get tired

I feel a little bit overwhelmed and under appreciated today.  I’m feeling blue.

The realistic side of my brain knows this is not actually the case, because for the most part I know that my bosses are pleased with my work, and perhaps that is part of the problem, they are so pleased they want me to do everything.

If you asked me to describe myself I would say I was conscientious, probably bordering on excessively orderly where my work is concerned. I’m loyal and I am definitely 100% a geek. I’ve been told I’m a do-er and this is one of the reasons why people walk past others and come straight to me.

I like being needed and helpful, I always seem to thrive better when I have a task. But now the weight of other peoples expectations is starting to drag me down.

Is it ok to just stand up and say that enough is enough, I infer it, but I can never seem to find my words. I know they hear me when I talk, but do they actually listen, because it never seems to sink in.

I feel like screaming sometimes, or crying, but at my age hiding under the desk should not even be considered.

I had counselling to sort this, they referred me, so why is it they often times ignore the signs that are so blatantly obvious.

I’m resilient but I am worried that one of these days I am going to crack under the pressure.