I didn’t mean to fall in love. It wasn’t something I wanted or needed, but it kind of crept up on me and took over when I least expected it.
There was an easiness to how it happened, it grew along with the new friendship which was both intriguing and exciting in equal measures. It filled me with happiness but it also filled me with dread, bringing back old demons, the fear or revealing myself to someone again after having been hurt so many times before.
I tried to resist, but other people could see the change in me and bouyed by their enthusiasm and his assurances that he was different from other guys, I started to believe that this could be something, could become something. Hope crept in and with it love. Love for his values and the things he believed in. Love for the person he was and how he made me feel.
Still though, despite his assurances and the good wishes of my friends, I had my doubts. I would tell him that I did not think I was the girl for him, but that’s my problem with self confidence isn’t it, I don’t think I am the girl for anyone. He would tell me to give us a chance, and I did.
He told me he loved me once, but by the next day I knew he had regretted it. I asked him never to tell me again, unless he actually meant it. In that respect we were and are very different people. I love my friends and will tell them often, he deems love to be something for family or a partner, it seems he will never tell me he loves me as a friend. That makes me sad.
My love wasn’t reciprocated. When we met, although I knew he liked me, he said his feelings were not strong enough. I didn’t feel he gave us a chance, he feels he did, there is no middle ground. I do however know the problems that would come with this, a long distance relationship, so in some way I can understand.
We still talk almost every day but I think I view the friendship differently than he does. Sometimes it feels very one sided and almost like he sticks around because he doesn’t want to break my heart all over again. My self confidence issues also cause many problems, because despite his assurances I cannot believe he wants to be friends with me.
I have no idea what will happen, but being in a friendship where feelings are stronger for one person than the other is very difficult. I’ve told him if and when he meets someone else that I think I will have to walk away, because I am not sure my heart could cope.
Perhaps with the benefit of counselling my feelings will change and I will be able to rationalise my thinking. I hope so, I don’t want to lose him, but at the minute I just don’t know how to stop loving him.